No More Lies

Dear (real name deleted),

First of all, I wanted to apologize for not keeping my word – for all the dramas I brought you typewritten all over my FB messages I’ve sent this past few days. I felt so sorry for being weak, for simply not stopping myself in looking at your account every now and then, thinking of you before and after I went to bed or perhaps, sending you this long essays. I could have made a journal out of this.

I am actually proud of my work despite the incorrect spellings or unedited wrong grammars because the thought of you brings me inspiration. I can never say goodbye to you because that would be unlikely me. You are the only person that challenge me in every way and even if you hurt me a thousand times, I would still wanted to annoy you, haunt you or keep me in your thoughts for quite sometime.

You are a busy man and I’m sure, it occurred to you that I am also a busy woman in my own field – a medical student who was supposed to be reviewing my heavyweight books lying across me in my mini-library. But I must have love you so much to even turn my back for an hour just to spend time writing to you. For me, this is my refuge. To write to you – trying to reach out to that person who I used to know – gives me the familiar warmth I had back in those days when I thought I made the best decision that I could ever make in my life. Run to You.

You are my God’s gift to me and that is not said out of obsession. I would simply let you go if you would have asked me to or perhaps, if I’ve seen you smiling so closely to another person that makes you happy more than I did. You are always free like I am but it was my heart’s decision to keep you against all odds. I do not blame my misery to you but you could have helped me a long time ago by saying goodbye.

They say that whatever is happening to us is our decision and perhaps I’ve been miserable of crying over you every night because I choose to be unhappy. I was weak since you’ve been my strength. You were my Delilah but I don’t blame you for that. I was even more thankful because without a (complete whole name deleted), I wouldn’t be challenge. I wouldn’t have known myself – all that involves me – my capacity to love, my limitations, my focus. God certainly used you to strengthen in spite of my weakness.

I asked myself now – Is holding to you by writing all these messages a sign of weakness? Or should I re-state my question like: Is loving you a sign of weakness? Does loving a person supposed to mean you’re weak?

I am not weak because even if I keep writing to you a thousand times and although the pain is unbearable, I had never shed a tear in front of anyone – not even to my own reflection. I don’t believe that I am born a weakling though you are my weakness because I would have died few months ago if I were. I must have committed suicide, let my life be destroyed in a single snap and put all the blame in you. No, I guess love does not make you look weak. It rather makes you feel stronger.

It’s quite amazing to even say this now, that you, (real name deleted), is my definition of love next to God. I wouldn’t have realize it if we never parted ways. Just like the famous definition of LOVE from the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And I looked back at you, at our past and our present, and in spite of knowing that there is a tear on each corner of my eyes, I’m proud to say that I’ve learned its meaning because of you. I felt it with each passing day while going all through that pain. You have hurt me, dumped me, stepped on my ego and killed me silently in the emotional level but because of that, you made me understand what it meant to love a person.

Maybe God sent you to me to realize those things and you were only supposed to pass by but somehow I know, we’ll meet again at the right time in the right place. When that day comes, I bring in my heart the lessons I’ve learned from you.

No more lies, (real name deleted). I wouldn’t want to lie to myself that I can do this. I cannot forget you in one snap because as much as my mind wanted to run away from the thoughts of you, my heart keeps on struggling to stay. I must have been a really stupid girl blinded by love but this is what makes me young. You are the essence of love in me. You may have love someone else more than you had loved me, but I will never want you to forget all these letters you’re trying to ignore.

This is me trying to tell you how much you mean to me. That even if the world turns its back on you, I would still be here not necessarily wanting to hurt you badly but to let you know that you were not alone. You were never alone. I’ll tell you a secret of how I was able to survive this test of getting a heartbreak.

I asked God to help me survive.

I didn’t have high hopes that you were reading my letters since I know that you are a lazy reader. Thus, whenever I write to you, I felt like telling it to God instead. It heals me knowing that even if you were not reading this, God is listening. With that, I know I’m not alone. He knew all along that I’m not bound to say farewell yet. I didn’t want to, even if your silence hurts, I would want to still be here hoping that one day, you’ll come by at the time I least expect. Because God knows what I wanted… And maybe I could not have it this Christmas, but I will have it soon.

Thanks, (real name deleted), for teaching me how to have a peace of mind.

Forgiving you is so hard but I forgive you. I forgive you a long time ago from the day I started writing to you. My letters are more truthful, more honest than my words in person. These are my actions without having any chance to edit or undo it. And you are the most privileged person to have receive an at least once-a-week subscription to my daily journal.

I love you. And what makes you happy makes me happy. Please do not hesitate to let loose and fall in love with someone else. Please do not mind me because we knew all along that we are free men. You were never a prisoner to me – someone I should despise or spied on. You have the right to decide for your own happiness.

My logical mind says to get over you and be done with this but my heart choose to still be here where I’m at peace. Remember what I’ve told you before? If we failed in our relationship, I wouldn’t love anyone again. It must have been for real. I know that my heart risks a lot of things but I also know that when it does, it’s because it’s worth sacrificing for. And… until now, my heart is right. My mind alone does not know what makes me happy because it only thinks. It cannot feel.

And even if this is an unending stupidity, I will still be here because this is what makes me happy. I admit that I may no longer have the capacity to love someone as much as I have loved you. We are free but for me, I am not yet ready to open my doors again to love someone else. Not that I am bitter or that I lose courage, but I haven’t found that person who’ll keep my heart beats faster and faster the same way you did.

Truth is: I never wanted to fall in love with you or love you so deeply but to my surprise, I did. You were the most impossible person to love because you are selfish, coward, ambitious and a total opposite of me. You hurt me. Despise me. Loathed me so much. And there were times I wanted to kill you for being so insensitive. To put it simply, you are not really that lovable as you may have think. I wasn’t crazy for you because of your unending achievements, your fame and looks, or not because your relatives build you up so much.

I was madly in love with you because… I didn’t know why. A lot of men can challenge me but none of them is you. You and the rest of the men – You were all the same. I really didn’t know why I love you so much but I remember how you make me melt and smile just by telling our story. I remember how we intertwined our hands together as we sleep. How the good times seems to last forever. And those eyes of yours that were about to cry after watching A Moment To Remember…

And there, I knew that I love you without any particular reason why.

Sana nga hindi mo na lang nabasa ito. I know naman in some way that I am not perfect for you. And ako, I never imagined to settle with an engineer. Gusto ko attorney o doctor. You were out of my list. Who knows what 2011 waits for me? But… If you came back, I’m sure what will happen next. Sana lang maisip mo, (real name deleted), na sinubukan kong kalimutan ka… na itigil na ito. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. Bigyan mo pa ako ng konting panahon ha… Alam ko kasi okay ka na. Ako na lang yung hindi.

Siguro pag may iba ka ng mahal, okay na rin ako. Hindi naman ako umaasa na mahalin mo ko. Ang mahalaga sa’kin yung malaman mo na Ako… Mahal Kita. Kahit yun lang, okay na ako. Masaya na ako. Kasi yun lang ata ang tanging bagay na kaya kong sabihin ng paulit-ulit na alam kong totoo.

Kung di ka pa okay tulad ko at kaya mo ng makipag-usap sa’kin… Andito lang ako. Hinihintay ka pa rin ng puso ko. Kahit naman anong sabihin mo, tatanggapin ko eh. Kahit masakit pa yun. Salamat sa lahat.

I will forever thank you for teaching me how to become a mature and fulfilled person but I also wanted to impart you the knowledge I’ve learned in building healthy relationships. Because you can never claim that you’ve conquered your dreams if there is a part in yourself that is still lacking.

You may have thought that losing you will remain that missing part of myself… At first, it was. But now, I’m looking it as the piece which actually completes me. I have loved… but I never lost. Now, I can say that I did and I’m proud because I will never realize what love is if I didn’t experience losing you.

No more lies for this 2011.

Happy New Year and Good Night!

Yours Truly,

Anonymous